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I am going to confiscate all the catalogues and brochures selling random bits of outdoor equipment that Christopher regards as ‘really useful’.   I have yet to see any of these items prove themselves to be really useful.   They are mainly really annoying; they collect dust and seem to multiply when I’m not looking.  On Saturday another parcel arrived containing some ‘really useful bits of kit’ – including a Böker Magnum Bushcraft Tool.   Yes you read that correctly.  My husband thinks he’s Ray Mears. 

The catalogue describes this item as ‘the perfect tool for Bushcraft expeditions’ and comes with a ‘heavy duty belt or webbing sheath’.    Steady girls – I know – the excitement is almost too much!

Keen to establish the purpose of this purchase I asked Christopher what the knife should be used for.  He replied, deadly serious, ‘for slashing your way through the jungle’.  The particular jungle he was planning on using it in soon became clear.  Half an hour later he asked me to go for a walk with him.  Lovely, I thought, how romantic, we never walk the dogs together any more.   Sadly this wasn’t the purpose of the walk.  It seemed we were instead embarking on a jungle mission of some kind – while putting on my wellies I realised Christopher was attaching the new bushcraft knife to his belt.  I sighed, deeply, to let my displeasure be known, but was routinely ignored.

Dean Wood was the jungle of choice for our perambulation and while I strode ahead with the dogs – not really hampered in any way by the overgrown brambles around our legs – Christopher was several hundred yards behind, hacking a path through them like a true pioneer, happy as Larry. 

Earlier in the summer some of our junior campers returned from a visit to Bodiam Castle with toy wooden swords and enjoyed some pretend undergrowth slashing in the wood in much the same way.  I pointed this out to Christopher saying I rather felt like I was out walking with an enthusiastic and imaginative eight year old, but he seemed to take this as a compliment. 

It could have been worse I guess.  He might have dressed the part too.  I’ve seen women in Jempsons doing their shopping with small children in tow dressed as Spiderman.  God forbid I end up doing the weekly shop accompanied by a husband dressed as Rambo.  And no, Christopher, I would NOT find that romantic either.

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